[Warning: spoilers for the Christmas special obviously.]

THE DOCTOR, THE WIDOW AND THE WARDROBE (ACTUALLY NEVER MIND THE WARDROBE)

Space: where there is no air. Take note, this will be important later.
Spaceship: SUP EARTH WE ARE HERE TO INVADE YOU haha no not really. We’re not going to do another Earth-gets-invaded-by-aliens story. That would be boring.
Doctor: OH MAN THINGS ARE EXPLODING AND SHIT. This is not a good situation.
Spaceship: I am exploding and you are now in space.
Doctor: Ohman I am getting sucked into space.
Physics: Yes okay that is what would happen initially, but all the air has already sort of gone so…
Doctor: OH MAN I AM FALLING INTO SPACE
Physics: You can’t… you can’t fall in space. There’s no gravity.
Doctor: I NEED TO GET THAT SPACESUIT QUICK BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A VERY GOOD SITUATION
Physics: Right. But. Not to be rude, but you can’t breathe in space. I mean, I’ll forgive you the sounds and everything, because most sci-fi shows/movies ignore the fact that there is no sound in space, but um… really, breathing is not a thing you can do right now. Let alone yelling.
Doctor: OH GOOD I GOT THE SPACESUIT
Physics: Also you should probably be freezing right now. Or burning to death, depending on where the sun is at the moment.
Doctor: I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE THOUGH
Physics: No, please, just… just stop.
Doctor: THE LAWS OF PHYSICS ARE MINE AND THEY SHALL OBEY ME

Earth: and thus physics died from being punched in the face repeatedly.
Madge: Just ridin’ along on this fine evening where everything is fine and HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS THAT
Doctor: I DONE CRASHED
Madge: Wow you fell from space and you’re absolutely fine. Are you magic?
Doctor: No I have this super convenient crash suit. Also physics is dead.
Madge: Well that’s a better explanation than… no explanation. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MISTER I-FELL-FROM-A-SPACESHIP-THROUGH-A-GLASS-ROOF-ONTO-A-STONE-FLOOR
Ten: I AM MAGIC
Doctor: I should just stay away from spacesuits forever because nothing good ever happens when spacesuits are involved. Anyway can you take me to my magic box.
Madge: SURE THING BRO let me pick that lock.
Doctor: Thanks bro.
Fandom: UGH MOFFAT NEVER REFERENCES THE PREVIOUS DOCTORS UGH
Moffat: MOTHERFUCKING NINTH DOCTOR REFERENCE

Madge: Sup husband I’ve been out helping aliens and shit.
Husband: WORLD WAR TWO I mean hi
Madge: Oh man wouldn’t it suck if a war broke out and you had to fight in that war and you died
Husband: That would totally suck.

WWII: haha suckersss
Pilot bro: We’re screwed.
Husband: Pretty much.
Pilot bro: What do I tell Anderson.
Husband: FUCKING ANDERSON I mean tell him we’re not going to die because this is a Steven Moffat story.
Pilot bro: Sweet.
Husband: I’M SORRY MY LOVE
River: whoa whoa whoa don’t be stealing my lines

Madge’s crib:
Madge: Welp my husband died.
Cyril: SO IS DAD COMING BACK
Lily: WELL OBVIOUSLY
Madge: ahahahaha creys

Giantass mansion: make ALL the Narnia references
Cyril: Is it haunted because if so don’t worry I brought the salt and shotguns
Madge: Shut your face bro.
Cyril: So is dad going to—
Madge: SHUT THE FUCK UP
Doctor: SUP I AM SUPER WACKY
Madge: Who da fuck are you.
Doctor: I am totally the caretaker.
Madge: Sounds legit.
Doctor: I made all the rooms super wacky. BECAUSE I AM NINE YEARS OLD.
Lily: Is he going to murder us. 
Doctor: AND THE KIDS’ ROOM IS THE WACKIEST OF ALL. WITH HAMMOCKS. I am so wacky ohmygod.
Madge: My husband is dead okay.
Doctor: That’s sad. I saw my wife die but we’re time travellers so I’m still able to shag her and stuff. 
Madge: …okay 
Doctor: ANYWAY YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN THE WACKY CHRISTMAS TREE YET
Lily: Omg a giant blue box
Doctor: ikr aren’t I clever
Madge: That man is insane and I think he just said he fucks dead people.
Lily: YEAH BUT HE IS SO WACKY IT’S GREAT

Night and stuff: I bet the Doctor and River had sex in hammocks once. 
Cyril: HEY LILY WE SHOULD CHECK OUT THE GIANT PRESENT
Lily: no shut the fuck up
Cyril: I’m going to do it anyway. 
Lily: Well then I’m going to sneak out too.

Lily: hey bro watcha doin’
Doctor: …wacky things?
Lily: Why is there a police box in your room.
Doctor: It’s… my wardrobe?
Lily: really
Doctor: Well I have to make Narnia references somehow. Especially since there aren’t really any wardrobes involved in this episode. Also is your brother being a sneaky bitch?

Cyril: I am being a sneaky bitch and opening this box. WHAT THE FUCK. SNOW? THE FUCK. WHY IS THERE ANOTHER WORLD INSIDE THIS BOX. I should go in there.
Tree: Hello I am magic and these are my magic Christmassy eggs
Cyril: GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE hmmm maybe I should go back to the magic world in the box. Yes this is a smart idea. And I should definitely follow those footprints in the snow. 
Doctor: Hey bro you probably shouldn’t do that.
Lily: Hey bro what’s going on.
Doctor: shhh just come

MAGIC CHRISTMAS WORLD: this is so not Narnia.
Lily: Where the fuck are we. 
Doctor: Your magic Christmas present of magicness.
Lily: Sounds legit.
Doctor: So whatever the fuck your brother is following, it’s growing and it’s probably going to kill us all or something but don’t worry. Oh also the trees are magic.
Lily: whaaaat all of this sounds dangerous
Doctor: Well you know, every rose has its thorns haha.
Fandom: ROESSSSS
Doctor: What no it’s just a proverb—
Fandom: ROESSSS HE STILL LOVES HER
Doctor: Oh come on. What, I can never say the word ‘rose’ again without you linking it to Rose? 
Fandom: roesssss
Doctor: Okay fine, if you’re going to play it that way: if you think about it, it’s more a stab at Rose, isn’t it? Every good thing has its bad side? So you know, Rose has her bad qualities too…
Fandom: ROESSSSSS
Doctor: Fine whatever. This trees are pretty cool though.
Ominous wind: OMINOUS WHISPERING
Doctor: Aw shit the trees are talking. I wish I spoke tree. 

The house: maybe he should’ve just… locked the present or something.
Madge: Oh snap my kids are gone. I should probably go into this present. Because that is safe.

Magic Christmas world: okay apart from the magic trees, there isn’t much to do on this world, is there? I mean, entertainment wise. He should’ve just taken them to a fair or something.
Cyril: Hm a creepy tower? I should go in there.
Tree king: hey sup
Cyril: Oh the footprints lead to the statue. I wonder what that could mean. I’m sure it’s totally safe though.
Tree king: I’m alive lol 

Lily: You are an idiot for wanting to take us here.
Doctor: BUT NORMALLY IT’S SUPER SAFE
Lily: Yeah because normally when you take people to ‘safe’ places, nothing goes wrong at all.
Doctor: WELL. WHATEVER.

Madge: Ohgod lights and sounds and giant spaceship things or whatever.
Bill Bailey: Don’t bother learning my character’s name because I AM BILL BAILEY
Harvester bro or whatever: Hey lady we are the comic relief of this episode
Bill Bailey: Also it’s dangerous here.
Harvester lady: Also she’s a time traveller.
Madge: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON 

Tower: towers are never a good idea
Cyril: Oh another statue. I’m sure that one is super safe too.

Doctor: Okay, ominous tower. Not a great place to be probably.
Lily: Da fuck is that statue
Doctor: Lol bro it’s alive obviously. Also this whole building has been grown. Pretty neat. Kind of like the TARDIS I guess.
Lily: This is a trap and we’re gonna die aren’t we.
Doctor: Yup. But let’s find your brother first.

Forest: forests are never a good thing in Doctor Who either
Madge: I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
Bill Bailey: Please stop crying. Actually no go on so we can make jokes.
Harvester lady: It probably wouldn’t look very good if we shot an unarmed crying lady.
Bill Bailey: But it’s funny though.
Harvester lady: Well I for one respect this lady.
Bill Bailey: Fine whatever. Also we are from Androzani Major.
Five: OH MAN ANDROZANI. OH MAN REMEMBER THAT? REMEMBER THAT TIME I WAS DYING AND SO WAS PERI BUT I WAS LIKE ‘FUCK MY LIFE I GOTTA SAVE MY FRIEND’ AND THEN I TOTALLY DID AND I REGENERATED BUT IT WAS COOL. REMEMBER THAT. REMEMBER WHEN I HAD NO PROBLEM WITH FACING REGENERATION TO SAVE MY FRIEND, MISTER I-COULD-BE-SO-MUCH-MORE
Ten: You are never going to let me live this down are you 
Five: Yeah well you said I was your Doctor and then you pulled that ‘I am seriously considering letting a friend die just so I don’t have to regenerate’ shit so NO NEVER 
Madge: Right. Anyway I HAVE A GUN SO WE’RE GOING TO SAVE MY KIDS

Tower: meanwhile unsafety is going on
Doctor: Aw shit it’s all wood and my sonic can’t do wood oh shit
Lily: You suck at this.

Cyril: oh dear this statue is alive and dangerous WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

Lily: Oooh pretty stars
Doctor: Your brother might be dying so maybe we can focus on that.
Lily: It’s super pretty though.
Doctor: Yeah, it’s the trees and shit.
Lily: creys
Doctor: PFFF HAPPY CRYING IS FOR LOSERS
Cyril: hey um guys this tree is putting things on my head
Doctor: OH RIGHT CYRIL 
Lily: oh shit the other tree guy is coming

Platform thing or whatever: maybe Bill Bailey can play a song to chill those trees
Madge: I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I want my kids so chaining you to these things is a good idea. Except the lady because the lady is nice.
Bill Bailey: Whatever man your kids are gonna die because we are going to harvest this forest with acid rain or something.
Madge: How is that harvesting.
Bill Bailey: WHATEVER YOUR KIDS ARE GONNA DIE
Madge: Can’t you just say there’s still people outside to whoever is controlling the acid rain.
Bill Bailey: NO 

Tower: needs more Bill Bailey
Doctor: Okay Cyril is fine I guess. Oh hello tree lady.
Tree Queen: hey sup
Lily: Look at the pretty life force stuff though
Tree king: heyyy
Doctor: DIE DIE DIE oh my sonic doesn’t work on wood dammit
Cyril: Aww the trees are scared. 
Doctor: Oh cool you can hear them.

Platform thing: why are those harvesters even here if it was gonna rain acid in like five minutes
Madge: I need to fucking get my kids okay.
Harvester lady: Yeah no we’re just going to leave you here.
Madge: NO BILL BAILEY HASN’T GOTTEN ENOUGH SCREENTIME YET. WHY WOULD YOU LEAVE. WHY WOULD YOU GET BILL BAILEY AND THEN HAVE HIM LEAVE SO QUICKLY.
Bill Bailey: Sucks for you bro.

Tower: but why did you leave Bill Bailey
Doctor: so those trees need things to travel in
Lily: …aren’t they already kind of travelling right now though 
Doctor: Whaaaatever. They’re gonna use your brother.
Cyril: TREES ARE SPEAKING THROUGH ME. Also your coming was foretold or something. And also we can’t use Cyril because he’s just a tiny boy.
Doctor: Sweet use me then.
Trees: Yeah no you’re a man so nope. We need females ‘cause they’re strong.
Fandom: SEXI— heyyyy
Moffat: Happy now fandom.
Fandom: Probably not.
Cyril: So is mum coming anytime or…
Doctor: lol no look at that acid rain bro
Lily: Mum will totally come for us though.
Doctor: We should go.
Cyril: No she’ll definitely come.
Doctor: No not really.
Madge: YOU WERE SAYING BITCH oh okay I’m sorta crashing now
Doctor: Hey Madge you okay
Madge: FUCK YOU BITCH I GOTTA GET TO MY KIDS 
Tree Queen: Hey wanna wear this shiny crown.
Madge: Yeah I’m sure that’s safe.
Doctor: um okay you sound like you’re high
Madge: I feel awesome
Doctor: Oh right, she can carry the forest in her brain because she’s a mother, and me and Cyril and Lily can’t because we can’t bear children (yet, in Lily’s case). You know… the whole Mother Earth deal… it sorta makes sense I guess. 
Madge: AW RIGHT LET’S FLY THIS THING INTO THE TIME VORTEX
Doctor: what
Madge: TIME TRAVELLING TREES WOOOOOO
Doctor: Okay how do we get back to Earth though.
Trees: Just think of home and stuff
Madge: Oh man I’ve got trees in my head though. You do it Doctor.
Doctor: Nah man I don’t have any feelings anymore
Madge: Aw right then thinking of home. Oh no shit my husband is dead that sucks.
Doctor: Whatever tell me how you met.
Madge: He followed me home until I married him.
Doctor: …that’s sorta creepy
Madge: BUT HE’S DEAD
Cyril: Is dad dead?
Madge: YES CAPTAIN OBVIOUS. GOODBYE MY LOVE
River: stop stealing my line okay
Doctor: Welp we’re home. And the trees are stars now or some shit.
Lily: So um is dad dead or
Madge: UM. Hey Doctor goodbye and stuff and also no one should be alone hint hint
Doctor: Your husband is still alive though.
Husband: Hey sup guys I followed a shiny light home
Madge: Sweet I totally saved your ass. 
Doctor: Look at all you crying bitches. I can’t cry because I HAVE NO FEELINGS

The house: EVERYTHING IS CHRISTMAS AND NOTHING HURTS
Madge: Heeeey oh okay you were the spaceman.
Doctor: Yup. Anyway I should go now.
Madge: Ah right you have a family then.
Doctor: NO FOR I AM ALL ALONE AND SAD and they think I’m dead. But whatever hahaha it’s not like I’m dead on the inside or something
Madge: Maybe you should stop being an angsty bitch and go see your friends/family and tell them you’re not dead because letting them think you’re dead would be kind of a dick move.
Doctor: FINE.
Husband: Hey what’s happening
Madge: Just a wacky angsty time traveller.
Husband: Sounds legit.

Pond residence: PREPARE YOUR CREYS
Amy: I HAVE A WATER PISTOL AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT
Doctor: hey sup
Amy: Oh hey dickhead it’s been two years
Doctor: …well on the plus side now you’re FUTURE COMPANIONS FROM THE YEAR 2013.  
Amy: River told us you weren’t dead. You douche.
Doctor: Ah okay.
Amy: She’s a good girl.
Doctor: NOT IN BED. OOOOOHHH get it because River and I have kinky sex
Amy: okay let’s just hug
Doctor: YAY HUGGING
Rory: hey sup
Doctor: Ohmygod Rory you look so hot with that haircut and that cardigan
Rory: Bro I am your father-in-law
Doctor: …does that mean no more eyesexing
Rory: Yup sorry. Wanna have dinner with us.
Amy: We always set a plate for you. BECAUSE WE FUCKING WAITED FOR YOU. AND BECAUSE YOU ARE OUR FAMILY NOW
Doctor: Ohgod I have a family again. Ohgod creys. MY FEELINGS. ALL THE CREYS
Fandom: CREYS
Moffat: What was that about me not being able to do emotional stories HAHAHAHA your tears are delicious

AND THEN EVERYONE CRIED FOREVER AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD