Does Moffat break your brain? Did you not understand The Wedding of River Song? Do you like it when people use comedy to make a point about how they’re right and other people are wrong? WELL DO I HAVE THE PERFECT THING FOR YOU.

[Warning: Lots of text. Stupid text. Things people will disagree on because Whovians are physically incapable of agreeing on things.]

THE WEDDING OF RIVER FUCKING SONG (AND ALSO THE DOCTOR. WHO IS A BIT OF A DICK IN THIS EPISODE.)

Time: I APPEAR TO HAVE GONE WIBBLY. 
Churchill: Okay bro tell us what happened because this shit is crazy.
Doctor: YES LET ME TELL YOU EVERYTHING
Churchill: What. Just like that. Why didn’t you tell me from the start. We had you locked up for ages, we would have let you out if you told us.
Doctor: I LIKE BEARDS
Churchill: Right. So wh—
Doctor: FLASHBACK TIIIIIMES

Flashback: woop woop who gives a shit about linear storytelling
Doctor: This flashback begins with establishing me as the devil. Cause I’m a bad boy awww yeah.
Lucifer: Lol you’re adorable
Doctor: Fuck off I need to find out why the fuck the Silence wants to kill me. Probably because I’m a jerk or something.
Dorium: Naw bro they just have a problem with this question or something. Crazy bitches. Do you want to know the question? It’s quite obvious really.
Doctor: TELL MEH
Dorium: Yes but not in front of the audience. We don’t want to kill the suspense. 
Doctor: OKAY COME WITH ME
Dorium: What why I told you the question.
Doctor: I get lonely. Now excuse me while I casually mention Rose Tyler. People have been wanting to mention her since forever for some reason.
Fandom: OMG ROES. ROESSSSSS
Doctor: Yes yes calm yo tits. ANYWAY time to call my bro the Brigadier. We gonna party aw yeah. He’s so awesome, he worked for UNIT and used guns and shit but I was cool with this because he’s a good guy and we were bffs.
Dorium: Didn’t fans criticise your relationship with River because you were cool with her using guns.
Doctor: Whoa double standards in the Doctor Who fandom? I am so surprised.
Random nurse person: Yo the Brig’s dead.
Doctor: FUCK. EVERYTHING.
Dorium: You could just visit him, you have a time machine—
Doctor: BETTER GO DIE NOW SINCE THE BRIG IS DEAD.

Beach: I am a beach. Oh look scenes from episode 1.
Doctor: Sup Rivah
River: Jesus fuck these Silence bitches. I finally got my doctorate, and they shove me back in this suit. Fuck them, I’m not gonna kill you. Those assbutts can’t tell me what to do anymore. Also I love you, that’s also why I’d rather not kill you.
Doctor: Sucks for you because you have to.
River: FUQ DA POLICE SILENCE
Doctor: Wait you can’t just rewrite fixed points time will explode
River: FUQ DA RULES. 
Doctor: No but really
River: Well no one told me about that. I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Also didn’t you rewrite a fixed point once?
Doctor: Nah it was fine because the lady who should have died killed herself.
River: …I feel like a suicide would affect her family quite differently than a Seemingly Accidental Space Explosion Death.
Doctor: OH GOSH IS THAT TIME GOING WIBBLY I DO BELIEVE IT IS  

Flashback: Back to present non-time bitches
Churchill: Cool story bro
Doctor: Welp Silents on the ceiling what are we gonna do. Not even my beard can stop them
Amy: WADDUP BITCHES AMY POND TO THE MOTHERFUCKING RESCUE
Doctor: AMY YAY
Amy: I’M GONNA SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE NOW
Doctor: wat

Train: I am a train
Doctor: THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Amy: Sup.
Doctor: AMY I AM YOUR BFF REMEMBER ME oh you do. Nice drawings. Wait why did you shoot me.
Amy: It was easier.
Doctor: Easier than just taking me with you and explaining things on the way to the train? I mean I can walk. That seems easier than someone having to carry me here.
Amy: I LIKE SHOOTING THINGS
Doctor: Oh that’s where River got it from
Amy: Put on your clothes, you’re gonna need that bowtie.
Doctor: What why.
Amy: WHAT NOTHING WHAT hey look I did a drawing of Rory ‘cause I’m trying to find him. He looks like Dean Winchester right?
Doctor: I’D DO HIM
Rory: Amy I am home now and I am looking so hot in this uniform and also you don’t remember me BUT I LOVE YOU I mean hi
Doctor: I’D DO YOU I mean hi 
Rory: …okay awkward

Pyramids: motherfucking pyramids awww yeah remember when River was Cleopatra WELL NOW SHE’S GOT PYRAMIDS FOR REAL
Rory: Let me explain everything about the Silence in my hot soldier way. Here, wear an eyepatch, we can definitely trust these things.
Doctor: I WEAR AN EYEPATCH NOW, EYEPATCHES ARE COOL
Rory: Everyone wears them.
Doctor: FUCK I’VE GONE MAINSTREAM
Rory: These Silents are definitely locked up good.
Doctor: You’re hot I MEAN AMY SAID YOU’RE HOT
Rory: Sweet let us have one-eyed eyesex 
Doctor: *eyesexes Rory*
Eyesex: wait you’re not Dean and Castiel what is going on here 
Amy: Come meet River so you can flirt and shit
Doctor: COMMENCE FLIRTING 
River: Sup sweetie look at these sweet pyramids also Madame Assvarian is here.
Kovarian: That’s not even my name.
River: DO I EVEN GIVE A SHIT YOU RUINED MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD. AND THEN YOU MADE ME KILL THE DOCTOR AGAIN JUST AS I THOUGHT I WAS FREE AND A DOCTOR AND AWESOME.
Kovarian: You are the worst at dying Doctor.
Doctor: Yeah about that I totally need to die. Like die for real. I don’t have a plan or anything. Nope. KILL ME RIVER. KILL ME SEXILY.
River: Shut the fuck up I’m not following anyone’s orders anymore. I’M A FREE BITCH.
Doctor: BUT YOU NEED TO KILL MEEEEE WE CAN’T EVEN TOUCH LIKE THIS
River: We could be like Curtis and Alisha from Misfits.
Doctor: THEY BROKE UP
River: SPOILERS BRO
Doctor: Okay but kill me
Amy: Bro shut up and listen because River did a thing for you.
Doctor: NOOOOOO
Random science person: Oh dang my eyepatch is burning my brain
Kovarian: lol bitches that’ll teach you to make my eyepatches mainstream. I WORE EYEPATCHES BEFORE IT WAS COOL AND YOU RUINED IT. Also those Silents are escaping.
Silents: Are we even called Silents. I mean the Silence is not a species so what species are we even.
Soldiers: Let’s wait till they start killing us before we start shooting them.
Silents: AND NOW WE DANCE
Soldier: Aw shit those are some sweet moves OH GOD WE’RE DYING
River: Okay you really need to see this thing I built Doctor. Before those Silence bitches kill us all.
Doctor: KILL MEEEEE
Amy: BRO
Doctor: Fine I’ll go.
Rory: Yo I’ll stay behind and kill those Silents. And I will leave my eyepatch on.
Amy: Why it will kill you.
Rory: I’ll forget them.
Amy: I’ve taken mine off and I seem to remember. Also if you saw aliens bursting through those doors would you really not know what to do.
Rory: I’M BEING AWESOME AS BALLS HERE OKAY. JUST GO.
Amy: kk
Silents: SUP ROARY YOU’RE GONNA DIE LOL. And that women your life revolves around ain’t gonna be there. Hahaha okay die now
Amy: MOTHERFUCKING GUNSSSSSS
Silents: Aw shit gurl
Rory: Hothothothothot.
Amy: I like shooting things.
Kovarian: Save me?
Amy: I AM ON A MURDER SPREE AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME

Pyramid: THIS IS THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID ISN’T IT COOL. 
River: I built this cool thing.
Doctor: Omg cool NO WAIT I AM ANGRY AT YOU
River: Oh come on I’m trying to save your life here and stuff.
Doctor: THIS IS STUPID. I HOPE YOUR PARENTS ARE PROUD.
Amy: Actually we are since we helped her with everything. I mean I could’ve shoved you two against each other but I don’t really want you to die either. So I’m pretty proud, yeah.
River: See, it’s not just me.
Doctor: BUT I HAVE TO DIE.
River: Yeah I’m not gonna kill you-
Doctor: KILL MEEEEEE
River: CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP. LOOK THERE’S LIKE A MILLION PEOPLE WHO ALSO WANT TO HELP YOU AND NOT KILL YOU. PEOPLE DIG YOU MAN. 
Doctor: But. People might get upset that you’re willing to risk reality for me.
Rory: Hey remember when I was going to tear apart time for Amy and how I wanted to save older!Amy even though that would be a paradox and quite dangerous and shit. Also most of the things I do are because of Amy.
Fandom: HE IS THE PERFECT HUSBAND
River: See they’ll be fine.
Fandom: UGH RIVER IS OBSESSED WITH THE DOCTOR HOW DARE SHE WANT TO SAVE SOMEONE SHE LOVES. SOMEONE WHO IS A MAN EVEN. SEXISM.
River: Are you fucking kidding me. 
Amy: What about me and the other millions of people who want to save the Doctor too.
Fandom: RIVER SONG SUCKS. SEXISM. BLAGRHAJHSJHJHAGRH
River: Wow double standards in the Whovian fandom I am utterly shocked and surprised.
Doctor: Right okay I should probably solve this all by telling River about my awesome plan.
River: You had an awesome plan the whole time and you didn’t tell me?
Doctor: I DON’T LIKE TRUSTING PEOPLE. EVEN IF IT MEANS THIS COULD ALL HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. BTW THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT RIVER. DEFINITELY NOT MINE. I DEFINITELY COULD NOT FORESEE THAT YOU WOULD REFUSE TO KILL ME AFTER BEING BRAINWASHED TO KILL ME FOR MOST OF YOUR LIFE AND THAT YOU WOULD GO AGAINST ANYONE WHO WOULD TELL YOU WHAT TO DO BECAUSE YOU REALLY FUCKING WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. AND I KNOW YOU’RE AWESOME AND HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE TRUSTWORTHY BUT I AM AN IDIOT.
River: You are an idiot. But I’ll learn from this and I won’t stop you the next time you want to sacrifice yourself for the universe (see: Doctor Who S05E13 - The Big Bang. Oh what’s that sound is it ~*character development*~ )
Doctor: I should probably trust you now. 
River: NO SHIT SHERLOCK 
Doctor: LET’S GET MARRIED
River: wat
Doctor: THIS IS HAPPENING
River: But don’t you want to tell Amy and Rory about your awesome plan too.
Doctor: NOPE
River: I mean we’re all alone here on top of the pyramid. You can just tell all of us your plan.
Doctor: I WANNA MARRY YOOOOOU. WITH A BOWTIE.
River: Is this all a scheme to make me like the bowtie.
Doctor: …NO. NOW LET’S MAKE OUT AND BE MARRIED.
River: Fine, but I will shoot all your hats.
Doctor: LOL SUCKA I’M INSIDE A ROBOT YOU CAN’T SHOOT THIS HAT 
River: UGH I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. RAVISH ME.
River/Eleven fans: OH SNAP. OH SNAP Y’ALL. THIS SHIP’S SO CANON IT HURTS. BOOYAH.
Time: that kiss was so hot I exploded into normality again 

Amy and Rory’s backyard: Look at these lights and shit motherfucking fairytale house awww yeah
Amy: I am broody.
River: Sup I just came back from saving your ass.
Amy: Broooooody.
River: I can feel people questioning my marriage with the Doctor. What with the aborted timeline and everything.
Amy: Well then let me slip in a line about how remembering things means they happened.
River: And let me mention I’m his wife. Also the Doctor’s not dead and stuff.
Amy: WHAT AND HE DIDN’T TELL US. THAT DICK.
River: He is a dick.  
Rory: Sup guys what’s happening.
Amy: THE DOCTOR IS A DICK but he’s alive which is good. Also he is now our son-in-law.
Rory: Sweet. Though this makes my steamy eyesex with him kinda weird.
River: I am okay with everything.

Cave: I AM A CAVE WITH SKULLS AND SHIT. I don’t know why anyone would want their head here but okay.
Doctor: I AM TEH MYSTERIOUS FIGURE. WHO COULD I BEEEEEEE
Dorium: Okay I know it’s you, you’re the only one who could’ve gotten me out of the TARDIS. It’s not subtle.
Doctor: ALLOW ME TO DRAMATICALLY TAKE OFF MY ROBE
Dorium: Yeah cool, but what about—
Doctor: YES I WILL HAVE LOTS OF SEX WITH RIVER THANK YOU FOR ASKING
Dorium: I didn’t—
Doctor: LIKE. LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX. IN PRISON PERHAPS. OR NOT. FUCK IF I CARE.
Dorium: The fandom might get angry.
Doctor: LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE. NO YOU CAN’T BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FUCKS TO GIVE. NONE AT ALL.
Dorium: How about you walk back to your TARDIS looking smug and I can shout ominous things at you.
Doctor: Seems like a good ending.
Dorium: Oh and btw the question was ‘Doctor who?’.
Doctor: IDGAF BRO I’M GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE NOW. DOCTOR OUT.

THE MOTHERFUCKING END BITCHES